Sunday, September 7, 2014

5 ways to shut down the crazies, sci-fi style

This mad world is full of crazies. Sometimes, you just need to shut them down, sci-fi style. Here are five awesome ways to do it.

5. Princess Leia, from Star Wars: "I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain."

What is wrong with you?

4. Agent Smith, from The Matrix Reloaded: "Still using all the muscles except the one that matters?"
Sure you want to continue digging yourself into this hole?

3. Zoe Washburn, from Firefly: "Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
Keep the crazy to yourself, why don't ya?
2. Tyr Anasazi, from Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda: "Because you are so uncompromisingly inferior!"
Wanna say that again?

And, when all else fails ... 

1. HAL, from 2001: A Space Odyssey: "Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye."

I remain unswayed.

Bonus points if the crazy you're unfortunate enough to be talking to is named Dave.

Sadly, we can't all do it Han Solo's way.


  1. Mary Fan, STFU.
    If this isn't an example of the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is.

  2. FYI, Mary, you don't get 'extra points' for dumping a friend just because their friend committed suicide, and you don't get 'extra points' for mimicking a movie villain while you kick someone when they're down! HAL-9000 was a movie villain because it was the cruelest, most insensitive entity on the face of the planet, totally lacking in empathy and morality, so your decision to mimic HAL-9000 speaks volumes about your own personality. When I told you my friend Archie died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound, you used that information to play your own cruel game, using words on your blog carefully chosen to prove your own cleverness while causing maximum pain to a friend you knew was mourning the loss of a friend by suicide. I don't know why you constantly feel the need to prove your own cleverness, Mary, as if graduating from Princeton Magna cum Laudat wasn't enough to impress people. This time, while trying to prove your cleverness, you showed your true colors by modeling yourself after HAL-9000, the evil computer, a heartless AI with no feelings and zero empathy. Your blog entry here proves you are the most selfish, solipsistic, narcissistic entity on the planet, totally devoid of humanity or empathy, just like the evil computer HAL that you quoted. Yes, you are a preppy, pampered, privileged, Princeton princess whose parents still fly you all over the world, but affluenza is no excuse for your actions or your behavior. The only excuse for such lack of empathy would be if you suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome, but I don’t think you do. You are simply a narcissistic abuser, more narcissistic than Donald Trump and more heartless, because at least Donald Trump is capable of loving someone other than himself, and Donald Trump isn’t cruel enough to brag about how clever he was at dumping a friend using a line from a movie villain, while (or because!) that friend was mourning a friend’s suicide. Since you ignored my request to take down this blog and apologize, you gave me no choice but to post this reply. If you had any common decency, you would apologize for your deplorable behavior and beg God for forgiveness, but I won’t hold my breath waiting. After you did this blog, I blocked you on all forms of social media including Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Goodreads, and Meetup, but when you’re ready to apologize, you still know how to reach me. You keep showing up at events that I attend, setting up your dealer table right near mine, when I wish you’d just stay away from me and leave me the F alone until you apologize and take down this blog that only proves your total lack of empathy towards someone who was once your best friend, your BFF as you said.

  3. Sorry, in my reply above I meant "bonus points", not "extra points".
    FYI, Mary, you don't get "bonus points" for dumping a friend just because their friend committed suicide, and you don't get "bonus points" for mimicking a movie villain while you kick someone when they're down!

  4. I'm thinking of posting my own blog page, "5 ways to shut down deranged fans of your novel, sci-fi style." I think I'll end it with, "Bonus points if the deranged fan of your novel you're unfortunate enough to be talking to is named Fan."